Bachelor in Paradise Recap: Glitter Bomb

OMG, you guys! Dr. Kelly gets his own paradise intro this week! Alongside singles in bikinis doing their best to look hot but also fun, here’s this Aaron Tveit-looking motherfucker standing next to the “baños” sign with his medical bag, gamely smirking at the camera. This poop saga is the most fun I’ve had with the Bachelor franchise since Desiree did that rap with Soulja Boy. It’s relatable, it’s silly, it’s high stakes. I’m just sad that, like a vacation that Sam no longer gets to enjoy, this plotline is over too soon.

The episode opens with a cinematic prologue, informing us that Sam still hasn’t pooped and the deadline is approaching by which drastic actions would be recommended. Sam jokes that even the lifeguard’s dog is asking her if she’s pooped yet, and we get a shot of an adorable little Frenchie chasing her down the beach. Soap opera-style transparent flashbacks of Dr. Kelly describing what will happen if she doesn’t poop and Aaron declaring this their poop baby pop up on screen. It’s beautiful. I’m having so much fun. Quick question, though: Why is everyone up before sunrise? They’re on vacation! Are they just used to getting up early to hit the gym? Do they crash out early because of the day drinking? The life of a Hot Person is untenable.

Dr. Kelly informs Sam that she should probably go home to seek medical attention, reciting his lines like he’s the star of a regional theater company. Dr. Kelly for Bachelor! (I know he’s wearing a wedding ring, but I’ve decided to ignore it.) Sam gathers the group to announce that she’s leaving paradise, and everyone feels bad for Aaron. He’s bummed because they’ve been coupled up basically the whole time and would be left without a rose, heartbroken if she has to go. This is part of why this storyline is so great. It outlines the ways in which this TV show is nothing like dating in real life. Obviously, we all know that, but the show tries as much as possible to mask that truth. Here, we see the cracks. Why doesn’t Aaron just go with Sam? Or make a plan to see her afterward? If they had just started dating in the real world, this would be a funny hiccup they could laugh about once things started moving again for Sam. But Aaron S. gets paid per episode to be here, and while a week-long vacation relationship could probably survive a poop emergency, it’s not worth messing with his paycheck.

Aaron S. needed this redemption arc, but he will fuck it up so quickly it’s almost admirable. Apparently, Sam was tempering his worst impulses because as soon as she leaves, he goes right back to aggressive douche with MRA vibes. But before we get to that, there are so many love triangles to sort out.

Peter and Olivia are flirting … kind of. They tell us in confessionals that the romantic connection is there, but I don’t see it. It looks more like how I “flirted” with my best friend in high school because he was there and I needed to practice. These two bonded out of spite, which is not the most stable foundation to build a relationship. I honestly think they should have just embraced this as a political alliance and left the romance out of it. It worked for Tyrion and Sansa, which famously worked out fine for everyone involved! They should have worked out the terms of that alliance, though, because here comes John Henry. Jesse teases him for being nervous because he’s an underwater welder and should be made of sterner stuff. His advice is to get tackled once, which he means literally but will be more symbolic for John Henry because he’s most interested in Kylee. Though she says she’s open to a date, my man John Henry listens to Kat’s advice that she and Aven are pretty coupled up and ends up asking out Olivia. To her credit, she does exactly what she got mad at Will for not doing and talks to Peter before accepting. Consistency! What a concept!

Olivia and John Henry get the spa date, which is usually the best date to get, but they have to give each other spa services while two estheticians — I assume they’re estheticians, but again, they do nothing besides telling Olivia and John Henry to undress — stand to the side. Before Olivia and John Henry can put on sheet masks and rub each other down, they BREAK THE BED THEY’RE SITTING ON. Uh-oh, Peter’s in trouble. That’s the exact kind of ice breaker (don’t say bed breaker, don’t say bed breaker) to dissipate any tension so they can relax and have fun with each other. It works, and they make out in the pool.

Back at the beach, we check in on Eliza and Aaron B. They’re doing well, and both say they wouldn’t want to talk to other people, but here comes John B. to ask Eliza out on a date right on cue. She also does the “right” thing and talks to Aaron before accepting. Everyone is learning from each other’s mistakes, but this is the problem with late-stage reality TV. Everyone is too aware of the edit. Eliza (I’m talking about Eliza here because she’s just the latest example, but everyone does it) is doing this as a courtesy because she’s seen people get in trouble for not doing it. She will go on the date with John B. because she wants to, and that’s why we’re here. It’s an empty gesture that everyone must just go along with because they’ll get punished if they don’t follow the unwritten rules. I’m not saying that Eliza doesn’t care about Aaron or doesn’t genuinely want to avoid hurting his feelings. But that’s the point of Paradise! People’s feelings are going to get hurt, that’s why we’re watching. It gets boring when everyone is too polite. Despite Eliza talking to him first, Aaron is still very much upset. He hides his head under a towel and sadly recites Eliza’s breakfast order to prove how much he likes her. (Okay, a fellow Runaway Bride stan!)

I don’t think we even see Eliza and John’s date (if we do, it was uneventful enough that I missed it while moving a crying baby from her playpen to her high chair), but Olivia and John Henry have returned from theirs. Olivia had a great time but wants to keep her options open. NOW THIS IS HOW YOU PLAY IT. Olivia talks to Peter and tells him that she had a nice time on her date but leaves the door open enough that he kisses her. (The kiss exchange reads as awkward here, but it’d play well in a rom-com with soft lighting and an indie singer-songwriter soundtrack.) Olivia jokes about how she “was so pathetic a week ago!” but now she’s got two options. I think Olivia is becoming my Paradise MVP. I’m as surprised as anyone.

Okay, here’s where things get weird. Wells calls everyone over to introduce the Paradise Truth Box, where people can write things down and submit them anonymously. This is an absolute chaos Hail Mary to inject some drama, which it very much does, though not in a fun way, but we’ll get into that later. First, Sean reminds us that he’s still into Jess and asks, “What would Taylor Swift do?” He starts singing, and it’s only once he gets to the line, “You belong with Sean,” that I realize he’s trying to do a “You Belong With Me” parody. I take back what I said last week; this man deserves the bullying he’s getting from the editors. Jess lets him down gently, telling him that she loves him … as a friend. This should be the end of it, but Brayden lets us know that he doesn’t need a truth box, and is “tired of being a baby-back bitch.” That’s just a wild interpretation of what’s been going on with him, but I don’t think self-awareness has ever been this guy’s strength.

Brayden plops down next to Rachel, who got Sean’s rose in the first ceremony, to let her know what Sean’s been saying. Unsurprisingly, Brayden gives her the least generous interpretation of the scenario that is still more or less truthful. He says that Sean is still interested in Jess but has told the guys that he’s not pursuing her because Rachel seems so into him. Rachel is livid at this and goes to confront Sean. You can tell how mad she is because her extensions are sticking out. She reiterates what Brayden said, meaning it’s Sean’s turn to confront Brayden. This fight isn’t that interesting to recap, but the subtext is: There’s a rose ceremony in a few hours, and Brayden just took a shot at Sean’s rose.

Cocktail party time! Jesse is here to convey some vital info: Sam has not pooped yet. And with that, Wells calls the group over to read from the Box of Truth. The first few notes are silly goofs. One admonishes Wells for serving half shots of tequila, another says, “Raise your hand if you have an uncircumcised penis.” (Only John raises his hand.) But then Aaron does his … is it a heel turn if you were already a heel and just had a momentary reprieve? He tells Wells that these questions are “surface level” and smashes the box on the ground. It’s unclear what he was trying to accomplish here. I would say that he was goaded into this by producers, but it doesn’t make any sense because we would have gotten to the questions eventually. I think this guy is just spiraling, and it’s a bad look!

Wells, who doesn’t get paid enough to deal with this toxic dude, tells Aaron, “You broke it, you read it.” The notes mostly concern Kat, saying that she “played Brayden” and Tanner should “watch out” for her. I got some flak last week for mentioning that the tenor of this conversation sounded a little incel-y, but I stand by it. It’s the language they’re using, including earlier in the episode when Aaron said that Brayden “fell into a trap” and Brayden called her “a female praying mantis.” This is the vocabulary men who hate women use to justify their misogyny. I’m not saying that Kat handles this situation (or any situation) well or even that she’s not guilty of leading Brayden on. But the way everyone is talking about her is not sitting well with me. The irony is I do think Kat and Brayden are a perfect match because they’re both loud narcissists who get too much heat for just being annoying. I’m tired of defending both of them!

There are also at least two notes saying Brayden and Rachel should make out. I did laugh out loud when Brayden said, “So Rachel, can I pull you?” and she’s like, “Yeah!” They do, in fact, make out. This poor girl should have stayed home. Yet again, I will reiterate that former Bachelorettes shouldn’t come to Paradise — this is for her sake! There’s so much potential to be embarrassed!

Sean, seeing this make-out sesh and reading it (correctly) as final confirmation he’s not getting a rose this week, begs for a lifeline. An angelic chorus swells, and a woman’s legs are seen coming down the stairs. The episode ends before we see who it is, but I am willing to wager that she’s not going to be charmed by Sean.

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